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Destination Death
Destination Death

Season 1, Episode 19 · 1 year ago

EP20 Overcoming Grief

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Let's help each other find a more stable form of grief.

...helloand welcome a con WM to Den D. Today's episode is going to be similarto my last episode. I am currently working on a new episode that is alittle more normal for this podcast. I have been a little bit more hesitant topost new content to this podcast for a while, just becauseof everything that's happening right now. I mean I know that my podcastattracts a certain audience and that it is very clearly described what I'mgoing to be talking about in most of my...

...episodes, but I don't want to cause any additional stress or upsetwith any new episode content, so I have held off a little bit. This episodetoday is going to be a little bit similar, like I said to the lastepisode that I put out today we're going to be talking about dealing withgrief and in the past few years I haveexperienced a lot of grief and I feel that it's important to make an episodethat gives some helpful insight into grief and how to process it. So thesetips and pointers aren't going to be for everyone, but I think that it canhonestly help some people better process grief when it comes around so being vulnerable for a moment about eighteen to nineteen months ago,approximately one of my friends passed away, and it was honestly one of thehardest things th I have had to deal...

...with for those of you that know me well,I have dealt with a decent amount of hardships in my life and for me to saythat this death was difficult. For me, it's definitely saying something. This friend was someone that helped methrough a pretty challenging time. In my life, a lot of things were fallingapart all at the same time, I talke to this person almost every day, evenuntil two or three in the morning. I cried with this person. I cried to thisperson. I honestly feel, like this person saved me in more ways than one, but I mourned them when they died.Obviously- and I mourned them hard- and it was months and months of beingpretty much devastated every day and it definitely still hurts, but Ihad to do something to get my life back on track and recently there has beenanother loss in my community has in...

...many ways reawakened the grief I feltfrom the first death eighteen or nineteen months ago. So this timearound, I feel like I'm dealing with it a lot better, and maybe it is justbecause I feel, like I know, grief a little bit better n than I did before.So these are my tips and tricks for dealing with grief and getting to knowit better. So I have about six that I have separated into littlesections, some of them kind of go hand in hand, and I will go over that alittle bit, but the first one is grief, does not haveto be over a person's death grief can be over not getting to participate ingraduation because of quarantine. It can be over canceling. Your wedding,due to social dinstancing grief, can be having to say goodbye to someone thatyou're not sure you're going to see again. It doesn't have to necessarilybe someone's death. It even can be from...

...participating in protest to helpprotect black and minority lives. Grief comes around in life in so manydifferent ways, so don't feel like you're wrong for feeling it when itcomes even if someone hasn't died. That is honestly number one for me. I think a lot of people feel like theycan't be upset about certain situations, just because it is what it is, but you can and number two is feel it when ithappens. I cannot stress enough how important it is to allow your feelingsto happen, because when you don't allow your true feelings out, anxieties,heightened depression is heightened, stresses heightened Etca, trying to compress your feelings caneven cause issues with your physical body. So if your feeling griefrecognize it invited in give yourself time to think about your emotionsbecause emotions, you cannot control,...

...but you can control your response tothem. That is something that I picked upwhile in therapy, and it's honestly something that Ithink about pretty often, because I think I think that peoplereally try to suppress emotions more often than they try to engage with them, and that's justthat's just a little nugget of something that you can be on thelookout for. Am I suppressing my emotions, or am I inviting them in andI having a conversation with them? Am I encouraging my emotions in a healthy way? That brings us to number three cryingis so healthy. I cannot even tell you how much I have cried while I've been feeling grief. Cryingis a special kind of self care.

This one goes hand in hand with thelast one feeling it when it happens. If you seesomething or smell something that reminds you of someone or somethingthat has happened, cry it out, if you feel it coming cry with someone, it issuch a healthy release of emotion, caring about other people. Seeing youcry does not matter. You do matter not crying, because you want to protectothers from being sad or seeing you vulnerable only perpetuates the ideathat being sad or vulnerable is something that has to happen in private. It's the same idea as asking a question is important, because someone elsedefinitely has the same question if you're feeling sad about some kindof loss, you're, not alone in that loss, nine times out of tent, not even ninetimes out of town. Ninety nine times out of a hundred many people are feeling grief at thesame time as you are maybe they're not...

...feeling the same type of grief, but you being vulnerable is what theyneed to know that you aren't alone. Its number four is again another topic.That kind of perfectly follows the one before it is talk to others about howyou feel check on your friends. Make it a point to ask things like:Have you eaten enough today? Have you had enough water? How are you sleeping?This is a little trick that I like to do when I know that others areexperiencing the same or similar grief as I am because in asking thesequestions to others, you're asking them to yourself, am I eating enough? Am Idrinking enough water? How am I sleeping while taking care of your friends? Youare helping to remind yourself that you are also in need of care and attention,and even more so in a time like this, encourage your friends to reach out totheir friends in the same way encourage...

...self care. It's so easy to trickyourself into taking care of yourself, even when you think you're taking careof others. The other part of this is to tell yourfriends that you are also hurting. They need to know that they are not bythemselves and once again in turn, they are telling you that you are not alonein these feelings. A lot of talking to others is basically reinforcing toyourself that you are worthy of care and that you are not alone well, well,also supporting others during a hard time. Number five is probably my favorite tipthat I've been using lately and I've been telling I've beenencouraging a couple of my friends to do this this time around, because partof grief is in not getting to say goodbye, so tip number five is to write a letter,...

...and you want to address this letter toeither the person that has passed away or the situation that has happened, and people often always wonder why theyimmediately feel angry or mad about someone's death or a situation thathappens and it's because we could not control what happened. In the end, wehad no ability to control our last moment. With that person we didn't getto say all the things we wish. We could have so write a letter to that personthat died, tell them how you feel tell them if you're mad at them. If you'refeeling empty because they're gone, ask them questions, you have act as if you are actually having aconversation with them, and this is your personal forum to tell them howyou feel it's just you and them. Maybe yourfirst letter comes out a little awkward write. Another one maybe write oneevery day and talk to them like you...

...would if they were here. This will giveyou more closure. It seems pretty lame and pretty weird it might be lameandweird, but I guarantee it will help. You feel at least a little bit betterto get your thoughts out on paper. This is kind of a take on somethingthat a lot of therapists suggest, which is journaling, and I think that journaling in itselfis very healthy. A lot of people like to journal when they're feelingstressed or anxious, and I think that grief kind of goeshand in hand with stress and anxiety, and I think that changing the journaling type a littlebit around the time that you're feeling grief is especially important, becauseyou want to make sure that you get out everything that you would want to say.I think that that's a big part of grief and now e're moving on to the last one,...

...and this one I am personally guilty of, andit is allow yourself to think of them, as often as you want, don't push thoughts of them away,because you don't want to feel sad, feel sad, feel it whatever it is. That's been basically the whole pointof this podcast episode feel it think of them write to them when the feelingcomes burn, a candle for them. If that's what you do, is it the gravesiteor Someo, where that was meaningful to both of you reread old messages fromthem, it's okay to feel stuck, sometimes in an endless loop of grief.Moving on, isn't really moving on moving on is something that Ipersonally dislike. It gives me a bad taste in my mouth grief is not really something that yousimply move on from it's something that will continuously come up in your lifelike before. When I said grief isn't...

...necessarily about a person. It can beabout things that happen also, so you will see different shades of grief andsome will be more challenging than others, but know that moving on doesn'tmean that you are fixed or you are better. I think it's more attainable toreach a stable state of grief, one where you can think of that thing thatgot canceled or that event or that person and feel like yes, I am stillsad, but I am able to take care of myself better now I can think about itor them, without immediately bursting into tears. I look back on them or itmore fondly or even with a lower emotional response. A stable form of grief can last a longtime, but that's okay, because it's a more sustainable version of it. I guarantee that if you see grief as ajourney without a clear ending instead of an explosion that ends abruptly, youwill be less depressed, more clear...

...minded and the next episode of GriefYou encounter won't be as bad. Those are the tips that I have aboutgrief if you are with me now experiencing a time of grief, IAM,sorry for whatever it is know that I am with you and I amexperiencing grief to this episode is good to listen to whenyou most need it, and even sometimes, when you think you're feeling better share it with your friends. If youfound it helpful, I will catch you guys on the next one, an I HOPI.

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